Today I woke up at 6 am and decided to pray. It has been a few days since I have done any deep praying, so I felt like it was time. Most of my prayer time during the last two years has been for my family, my children, grandchildren, my church, the people in it, the community, the world and anyone who I felt needed intercession and healing. But today, I had this grand thought to pray for me and make this prayer totally about me.
Praying for myself, solely, was a new thought. My greatest, deepest prayers have always been for everyone and everything outside of my myself. I wondered what would happen if I prayed for me with the same fervor and intensity that I have been praying for others. My internal self became elated with the thought. Just the thought that I would or could love me and care for me on the same level by which I have loved and cared for others felt like a breakthrough. I have never loved me that much.
I had a conversation last night with an acquaintance in which I stated, unexpectantly, that in 2017 I was going to do me. That statement came from somewhere inside of me that knew what I just realized this morning at 6 am.It is time to be my own blessing.
I don't feel selfish about taking this journey. I will be 65 years old in a couple of months and I have always put others first, from the my children to my grandchildren, from my friends to my co-workers and it has gone on and on. However, I believe this journey will be okay. I don't feel selfish about it at all.
My prayer for myself included releasing the things that no longer serve me, seeing myself as I truly am and recognizing the good in me for me. I have not failed to see the bad and the ugly (a matter of perception) but have failed to acknowledge my good self.
The First Page
I have failed to allow myself to reach for and have the desires of my heart. I would see what I wanted, but would not allow myself to have it because I felt unworthy of it. I would always choose the second best thing. For instance, starting a journal on the first page of the notebook would never happen in the past. It is a simple thing but, I always left the first page blank as if I wasn't worthy of having the first page in my own journal. Sure, I would tell myself that I was saving the first page because I may need to put something important on it, but never did. So pretty much every journal or notebook I have will have a blank first page. This notebook is the new beginning. I started it on the first page.
So this coming 2017 is going to be the year of Love, Rebecca. I want to become important to me. I want to feel my love circle back to embrace me with kindness and compassion in the same way I have extended it to others. I want to care for me that same way I have cared for others. I want to encourage myself as I have done for others. I want to see the God in me as I have seen God in others. I want to see the greatness in me that I have seen in others. I want to release that greatness for myself as I have tried to help release the greatness in others. I want success for myself now as I have wanted for everyone else.
I am anxious and excited to see what I can be once I am released into the fullness of what I have the potential to be. Here's to a new journey for me.
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