What would happen if I came into total alignment with my life's purpose?
I have never been in total alignment with my life's purpose. Although I do believe we can have more than one purpose. For instance, I believe one purpose of my life was to help my children find their paths and purposes in life. I don't know if they have all totally found their purposes, but they have found their paths. I look at my children and their successes and I feel really good about that. I am very proud of each one. I always wanted them to have the success I always felt eluded me. I did not want them to lose their way and struggle through life as I had done with them.
As much as I have enjoyed seeing their lives flourish, as much as I have tried to give myself some credit for helping them set their lives, I could not help looking at my life and seeing failure. Many would think differently about me, but that is how I saw myself. I think if we really look within ourselves and then consider where we are in comparison with our gifts and talents we possess, we would equate the comparisons with success or failure. I always felt like I had the potential to be better than I am in some way. I know there are others who do not share this opinion with me or even about me. But when you live with the internal self-nagging you and longing to be something more than you have allowed your life to be, you have to feel some level of failure.
It is not as if I don’t feel like I have ever done anything good. I have done and continually do many good things. But is good, good enough when you feel the good could be better. If I dared speak this way of myself, I would ask why the good couldn’t be great. Have I really done my best? Can I really be great at anything?
As I hesitate to allow great to come from me about me, it speaks volumes about not allowing me to walk in my fullest potential. I have withheld from myself the possibilities to have the greatness I have had the potential to achieve. As I allow myself to think and feel this way, I have to remind myself that I am not comparing nor am I competing with anyone else’s greatness, just my own. My greatness won’t look like anyone else greatness. It is individualized just for me. Although it is individualized for just me, I still don’t know what it looks like. I know what I believe about it. I won’t know it until I walk into all that I have had the potential to be and now at my age, with the time to be it.
As I take this journey of self-discovery, I also must do self-assessment. I have to do my own personal review. I must evaluate the paths that I have taken and figure out how to find the hopes and dreams that I lost along the way. I need to find and rediscover the beliefs I had during innocent times that I could be whatever my heart was dreaming of at that time.
I know I have to de-program myself from years of self-abuse, criticisms, intolerance and self-hate. I have been my own worst enemy with so much neglect. I have to forgive myself for not loving me as I should have, for putting everyone else first, for not considering how special I am. I have downplayed the good, great and wonderful things about myself. I have acknowledged others but denied the same acknowledgement for myself even when I know I have done more and even greater. How could I dislike me so much as to discredit myself so much?
I have not been happy with myself because I believed that I could have done more with my life, but I can only myself for not doing so. I can’t blame my parents, or my children. I can’t blame society or my race. I can’t blame my circumstances or when I live or even my religion. Every decision that I made to do or not to do was my own decision, regardless of the reason I gave myself for making it.
So once I can deal with the forgiveness of self, maybe I can find my own way to my true life’s path and purpose. I believe that there is still personal greatness waiting somewhere out there on my personal path to my life’s purpose.