Forgetting those things that are behind, I press toward a mark of a higher purpose. This is a verse from scriptures stated by Paul, the Apostle. It reminds me of the place I feel like I am in right now.
I made a decision to step down from a position of leadership I held at church. It was a very hard decision initially. I felt and believed that I had purpose and a call to duty where I was. I believed that I had much to offer and that my service was needed there. I had invested some significant years of service on many fronts and in many areas.
While this is true of my giving, I also received much from serving. My growth from the day I walked in until the day I walked out was exponential. I walked in wounded and broken trying to understand myself and this life. The healing I received went beyond my initial perceptions of my wounding. The wounds that I saw within were only surface wounding to deeper ills that I had carried all of my life. These were ills that desperately needed to be healed to prevent the surface wounding from returning time and time again.
It has been said when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result that it is insanity. I have another personal definition to add and it is that you probably need some healing. My deep wounds kept me making the same choices and decisions over and over again hoping for a different result. It just doesn’t happen to work that way. The deep issues in our lives need to be addressed and healed in order to have a different outcome. This is some of what I received during my time of giving in service and I am grateful for my healing.
I enjoyed serving at church. Working as a Healer along with the other opportunities to serve, I felt like I was in a good place. Was I over-confident? No, I don’t think so, but did I feel confident and believe in what I was doing? Yes, it is the only way I can give my heart to serve in any capacity. I have come to realize and understand that I am a diehard committer. When I commit, I commit wholeheartedly. It came as quite a surprise and somewhat of a shock to my system when it all started to breakdown and slowly disintegrate.
One things that was ingrained within me from a child was a deep religious faith. And even though I got away from the religion, I never let go of the faith part which has worked for me. So I knew and believed that no matter what happened or what may have been said that things always work out for the best in the end.
When I came to the decision that it was in my best interest to step down and maybe even step away, it was difficult initially. It was difficult feeling like I might be letting God down as well as others. I must also admit that I am one of those people who say “if it 'ain’t' broke, don’t fix it.” This is another definition for “I don’t like change.” But we know that the only thing that is permanent is change. And I wasn’t looking to change anything. I enjoyed and trust in my view of the direction I followed. Sometimes things may look like they are not broken, but you just have not realized it yet.
The realization that I need to change what may not look broken was presented to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we cannot see why at first. Many things that seem, look and are meant for bad really are for our good. This place that I initially thought was bad has been the best thing that could have happened for and to me. It was just a few weeks ago that I spoke of blessings and how there is good in everything that appears bad. There is so much good in this, it really is a blessing in disguise. I am so grateful to be in this place of peace and good and blessings. I cannot explain the depth of peace and joy that I am experiencing. The healing I thought I would need has not yet presented itself. I still believe there is more to surface that I am not aware of. But it too will be good.
Every ending, it is said, is a new beginning. When one door closes, another door opens. I am looking at new exciting doors and new beginnings. The possibilities are endless. I don’t feel the need to look back with so much in front of me. It is not that I will forget the people that I have had so many wonderful exchanges with, and not that I will forget the experiences that taught me so much, but I am releasing myself from the place, the commitment and that service. I completed that course. I fulfilled what I committed to; I don’t think I left anything on the table. I felt I went above and beyond my call of duty. And now I am at peace with moving forward into new ventures and a bright future filled with hope, promises and more service to God and mankind.
Here’s to one step forward.